perhaps

perhaps ive just lost it all.


www.uptotheatmosphere.tumblr.com

im afraid that if you even led me to the light
i wouldnt be able to see anymore.


im afraid, just so afraid...

i dont need your control

i wish i had those blades.
but never mind
clearly no one
not NO ONE
trusts me anymore.

just because i want help
doesnt mean i want your fucking control.

i want my blades back, i want my stanley knives back.
i want them back right now.

if need be ill get some others
you know that was never an issue
im just so pissed again again and again
that everytime i go for them
i keep on getting this block,
this ridiculous reminder that i no longer
govern even my own life.

yeah well thats changing.

time on my own made me realise i can adapt to living without you.
it may be hard but ill live. its what ive always done,
contrary to your controlling beliefs.

i dont want to be broken anymore

i need someone to look at me

look at me for who i am

pick me up

and fix me.
for godsake, fix me.

close my eyes and dream.
just dream and dream and dream.






i wish i had the willpower i once had.
when i could stop everything for one second,
step out of my body,
and stop what i wanted to do.
i could see what was going wrong.
im so fucking stupid.
and i can tell when you think the same.
open up your fucking heart for once.
you could at least try to lie to yourself,
at least then it wouldnt be so obvious
you were pretending.

you fucking fake bitch.

you dont tell me everything?
then what have you been holding back?

but never again

yeah true. never again will i live. never again can you think without you stopping at the end of every goddamn day and asking yourself

"is this lie im living worth it? or can i wake up and pretend im me again..."

mm. have a good life. just to put it your way.

it hurts just to be alive right now.

keep holding on.

just a little longer.

we'll smoke pink cigarettes in pink houses.
we'll put flowers in our hair and vases on the tables.
we'll dance on the roof until we die.

and then once that stage of my life is lived;

ill run away. ill go on my own holiday. just me.
ill watch my final sunset. and then ill sprint
ill run so fast
youll never catch me
youll never see me
and then ill jump
ill jump so high. ill fall so hard.

but ill fall into the water. sinking, sinking sinking.

ill leap into the ocean and float someplace.
if i die, i guess i die.
and if i live, i guess i will live.

sometimes

its just too hard to jump

or i cant find my strength

or i cant make my heart beat any faster.

thatswhenifall.thatswhenyoucatchme.


DONT LET ME GO

this is fucking ridiculous. im never allowed to blog. im stuck writing in my old notebook.
yeah thats great, i dont need an audience. i know that. but...

i need to believe that somehow
someone is still
out there somewhere
believing in me.

sometimes i swear i wont wake up.

amelia, read this, please

yes mim, yes. i do still dream. i pray that you dream too.

just caught up on your blog. couldnt find it for ages, the url
was long lost to me. i read it and i cried.

not the crying you see everyday. not the crying you have
when you cry because your life is nothing, your life is
death. not the crying when your want to stop breathing,
but the air still makes its way to your lungs.

i cried so hard, i cried so quietly. i tried to keep my tears
as silent as can be. jasmine sleeps slowly beside me.
but i cried, and i felt my heart aching in my chest.
i felt my breaths shorten. and my head hurt so much.

 for so long i have stopped feeling. i just welcome the
nothing. the silence. the darkness. the numbness.

now i can feel again and i dont know if its right or
if its wrong. but i know that as i feel these emotions,
my life surely crashing. but i also know,
while it crashes we'll let it still for some time,
we'll let it pause. it will pause and ill hug you.

through that brief instant both of us shall know
eachother like never before and both of us shall
stop hurting.

puzzle pieces

my life is a massive jigsaw puzzle.

everyone is part of it.

some people leave, and the picture

then looks a little different.

and when new people come,

the picture makes more sense.

my life is written down in this blog

my life is kept secret in my journal

my life is with the few pages of 

information that i can call my own.

go on, i dare you, piece together the puzzle.

why?

time passes so strangely in this little world of ours.

(from stephs blog)

A 

- Available: keep on getting near misses.

- Age: 14

- Animals: dog, cat.

B 

-Beer: anything with alcohol.

- Birthday: october seventeenth

- Best Friend: jas, steph, rah, mim, abby...

- Body Part on opposite sex: eyes. dreamy eyes.

- Best feeling in the world: summer sunset.

- Best weather: 35 and breezy

- Been in Love: far too much.

- Been on stage? unfortunately

- Believe in Magic: yes.

- Believe in Santa: if only...

C 

- Candy: chocolate is better anyday.

- Color: yellow ochre. pale gold. dark green.

- Chocolate/Vanilla:i think its obvious...

- Chinese/Indian/Italian Food: food is food is food.

- Cake or pie: pie. no wait, cake. ooh. no. maybe savoury and sweet together.

- Continent to visit: ill take north america thankyou.

- Cheese: the drippy stuff on pizzas. whatsitcalled.... MOZARELLA!

D 

- Day or Night: Night, minus the pedofiles. (haha couldnt agree more jas)

- Dancing in the rain: memories <3

E 

- Eyes: Brown

- Ever failed a class?: mm not one. ok. fine. maybe about 10.

- First thoughts waking up: not another day.

- Food: is edible and overrated.

- Greatest Fear: my past.

- Goals: survive for tomorrow.

- Get along with your parents? i wish i could say yes, but that would be the greatest lie ever.

H 

- Hair Color: blonde but orange but white but silver. a multicoloured.

- Happy: whats that again? oh right, thats that thing when i think my mothers dead.

- Holiday: far away from home.

I 

- Ice Cream: makes me think of frozen pig fat.

J 

- Jewelry: less is more.

- Job: sportsgirl. its easy and the pay is good. although id take general pants too...

K 

- Kids: one day therell be twenty of my own running around.

- Kickboxing or karate: bit of both.

- Keep a journal?  i try.

L 

- Love: would my friends stop taking all the guys i like...?

- Letter: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

- Laughed so hard you cried: cried so hard i laughed.

- Milk flavor: iced chai. yum.

- Movies: ferris buellers day off indeed.

- Motion sickness: only when im on some planes, trains, cars and buses...

- McD’s or BK: maccasmaccasmaccas.

N 

- Number: seventeen or seveen.

O 

- One wish: true love.

P 

- Perfect Pizza: something thats humane haha.

- Pepsi/Coke: ...vodka?

Q 

- Quail: quail is not domesticated enough for my liking. chickens the only bird ill chew.

R 

- Reason to cry: the reasons i want to die.

- Reality T.V.: oh dear.

- Radio Station: like i pay attention.

S 

- Song: i dont believe songs should have titles, its stops the beauty and starts the manufacturedness. so ill just hum it for you... 

- Shoe size: nine and three quarters. like the train platform in harry potter :)

- Salad Dressing: like i pay attention to a minor detail like that!

- Sushi: currently craving it.

- Skinny dipped? maybeeee

- Strawberries/Blueberries: ahh my allergies have caught up again.

T 

- Tattoos?: sparrow in flight on my shoulder (one day...)

- Time for bed: who sleeps these days?

- Thunderstorms: accompanied by lying on a lawn somewhere singing to the sky and watching it.

U 

- Unpredictable: hell yeah.

V 

- Vacation spot(s): french island. its been to long.

W 

- Weakness: if i told you, youd have to die.

- What makes you laugh the most: just replays of all of us drunk.

- Worst Weather?: anythings bad when im depressed.

X 

- X-Rays: yes, i have x-ray vision, you know.

Y 

-Year it is now: 2010

-Yellow: sunlight.

Z 

- Zoo animal: a wolluff. (haha, wolf with a strange accent)

if only id known it before id fallen in deep

the only song i knew...

 ...was a song never worth hearing.

clean

finally i feel clean.

i feel new.

i feel free of hate.

i feel washed out, yes

and empty, yes

but mostly i feel able

to start again.

i think i like this.

hope; light; truth;

and after the rain had gone
and after the clouds had settled
and after the rainbows fell
still she sat there staring at the embers
wanting so hard to fly away
chasing the smoke from her
mouth with her eyes.
still she sat there, and prayed.


she waits for the sun
bittersweet rays to hit,
lips mouthing the hope
that she wants to feel.
the courage in her heart keeps
it beating but the storm in her mind
strikes and strikes away.
still she sits, and she prays.

phone calls

no matter how many times i dial the number i just cant find the strength to press the call button

its actually really quite hard to find this laptop.
let alone find a place alone and safe, plug in
the charger, get onto the internet and unblock
facebook, blogger... why do i even bother?
do i even need to publish my writing?
lately ive been writing in my diary, like i 
always have, but with the intention of no one
ever reading it. it kinda scares me. makes me
feel alone. i know i like to be alone. but to
be unheard... unread... unblogged even?
its a bizare feeling. i need someone to somehow
read my writing my criticise me before i 
get far too carried away.

day dreaming

im thinking ill call my blog Day Dreaming, but i dont know. Freedom and Pain has everything to do with my life... but something more like The Only Freedom, or Running Away is better sounding... any ideas anyone?? 

maybe even Pastures of The Sky, or Singing to The Sky, or Waiting for Love, or Holding Hands, or... um... Tracing the Sun... Reading Palms? I Like to Scream Lots? maybe not haha. 


Sipping Tea? well thats what im doing right now...


Learning to Fly? hmm...


Wishing on Stars? i do that alot...


Watching Trees Grow? hehe its a little hippy.


Optimism is Overrated? true but no...


gah my head hurts now!  

control

it was not out of caring

nor out of mistrust.

it was about control and you fucking know it. you like to be able to keep the details of my life in your control. you like to control my life's patterns. you like it. i hate it. i want my freedom back. i will claw back at you until i receive my own life into my own hands.

an end to something that once was

this is it.

there is no more.

no turning back.

maybe ill miss you.

maybe i wont.

maybe i knew all along.

maybe i thought it false.

maybe i defended you.

maybe i fought you.

i say its

an end to something

that once was.

but

maybe, just maybe,

i am wrong.

maybe, just maybe,

it never was.

it wouldnt be.

you tried so hard

and so did i.

but somethings never

happen. most things

never should.

thats what you were;

a mistake.

and maybe

i love who you were,

no matter how big a mistake

you will forever be.

maybe, just maybe.

alone

look at that loner.

she sits in her corner.

is she day-dreaming?

watch her eyes,

they dont blink.

she is so alone.

she is so unwanted.

she is so unloved.

i choose to sit alone.
when i say fuck off,
there is a hint that
yes, i do feel unloved.
but that doesnt mean
i choose to be unloved.
id choose love above
anything else.
i choose to be that
'loner'
i am not abandoned
until you hear me
and choose not to listen.
i like it when you
join me in my silence.
but dont try to
change me.
yeah, maybe the drugs
make me a little dopey.
but, god, i daydream
because i hate reality.
i am not a loner,
a choose to be alone.

save it

if only there was one way, just one way

to keep this blog alive. to let my mother

let me have it. to convince her its saving

me, not hurting me or making me more

fucked up. if there was just one way to

save this blog, by god, i would be right

onto it. but i think its already fucked. i

think shes going to delete it. so now ive

decided i dont give a shit what she thinks

anymore. im going on my blog anytime

i can, regardless of consequences. fuck

this. its my blog and ill save it in my own

special way.

ps: look! its the giraffe top i keep talking about haha

a million tabs are open, only one counts.

'cara youve been on long enough... how long does it take to find information on this?'
long enough... ill be off soon...
'you better be little missy...'
mm...

the mouse clicks and i change tabs sporadically.
this is ridiculous.
im under attack in my own room. 
but then again...
im prisoner in my own house. 
im watched in my own haven.
im forced to obey in my own life.

i flip through the tabs and make little notes concerning
what im actually meant to be doing. i feel empowered.
and scared shitless.
its only a frigging laptop. why do they make such a big
deal of controlling everything down to the details.










i have started writing again, not just on my blog.
all my life i have written things...
stories, poems, pieces, diary style entries.
my blog gave me an excuse to really get into it i guess.
but now even without the audience i find joy in writing.
my first story, is about a young girl, Sparrow in the early
1900's, she decides to escape her home life and run
away. mm, its such a dream of mine... my second story,
ive barely finished the plans for, but its going to be
kind of about us. all of us. smoking, drinking, boys,
skateparks, running away, hating parents, falling in love,
stalking people on facebook... being depressed and
emotionally ensure. wish me luck, i begin typing on
my antique typewriter, tonight. miss you all,
xx cara.isabella

she sits and types frantically.

heart beats racing.
breathless in lungs.
constantly turning around.
have they noticed yet?
let it be, hello goodbye,
yesterday, all you need is love.
songs echoing in the speakers.
please please please...
dont noticed im not burning music.
this is the first of my blog
that i have tasted
in what seems like a lifetime.
i could be wrong.
but somehow i think,
i am back.

diary entry a while back:

Im bored. It’s boring. Life bores me. Im sitting there, next to her, a distant look in my eyes. Her own eyes dart around the room. Shes nervous, even me in my half woken state can see that. I itch my covered arms. No one else can see us. Its relieving, but dangerous. She looks to me, I look to the wall. Ignorance is now divine. She nudges me, I scratch my cheek, my eyes now focused on the ceiling above.

“Cara”

She whispers. One word. One syllable. One person. Me.

Does she actually expect me to give her a descent response?

“Psst, Cara.”

Yes, yes I heard you the first time; “Hmm?”

She picks up my right arm, disapproval haunts her pretty glowing eyes. She takes in a breath to fuel her next rant about self harmers. As she does she leans on my left arm. I exhale one sharp breath. Both her eyes look to me with one predictable outcome. She lifts my left arm and pulls down the sleeve. I do not deny. I do not flinch. I don’t make a move or even a sound. Her lower lip, she pushes out, to form a tantrum style pout. A chair scrapes across the floorboards. Someone has stood up. She does not drop my arms, but she lowers them slightly. Nervous eyes on nervous face scan the room. There is no one noticing her little disagreement with me. She puts down my arms. I prepare for the speech. I am profoundly suprised, a rarity when it comes to dealing with this one erratic child.

"Stop Hurting Yourself."

Then she stood, causing the chair to slide in an ear deafening screech. She walks, turns back, kisses me on the forehead. She lifts my right arm, takes my hand, and shakes it. As though shes wishing me luck.

Her strides seem bigger than her legs as she crosses the boards. In seconds she is out of the door. I stare at her chair. Partly in anger. Partly in annoyance. Mostly because Im wishing her back next to me. My foot continuously taps the ground in anxiousness.

Stop hurting myself...? Yeah. Because its just that easy.

 

 

Deception

so i shall continue digging this hole of self wallowing and pity. and i shall continue the lies because my made up world is far better than the truth you have, and the reality we all will one day face.

Talking With Birds

"during my conversations with birds i learnt how to dance in the trees, sing to the sky, and laugh with the daisies. all the while through my daydreaming though, i realised; i have forgotten how to fly."

ALL THINGS ARE FIXABLE

Changes

That was who i WAS

THIS is who i am.

Late Night Epiphany

i have had another late night epiphany.

while painting my nails a sheen of black, and i stopped and stared into the candles.

i have concluded:

it is not a question of

CANT

it's a question of...

...should...

i can and i will?

bah. i wish.

he is reserved

i made a reservation.

he was mine first?

please understand

ive been crazy about him

for months.

i know him better, dont i?

i guess i oughtta just let it

go

reckoning

that made me smile.

and it made me weap.

at that moment i realised:

it is all about control.

blah blah blah i cant hear you

sometimes we resort to the most immature ways of ignorance and pathetic annoyance.

the truth

and it was funny;

because just for one minute there;

just one minute of my life;

i thought you really cared.

i dont even know why i bother

why do i even read your blog anymore?

all i end up doing is crying.

you make me feel shit. i dont want to feel that way.

your so insensitive and your full of lies.

you turn eveything around that i say,

that is a joke, or even just a comment,

nothing to be thought of,

and you take it and twist it into lies.

to make you feel better? to make you feel like a victim?

to make me seem like bitch definitely.

thats it, i said i wouldnt forgive you a while ago,

and i ended up apologising for you misenterpreting my words...

this always happens.

and then you wonder why i question, why i dont trust.

well... its kind of obvious. you dont trust me.

so thats it,

if this so called best friendship of ours only ever brings me

sadness;

depression;

endless tears.

and ofcourse its always all my fault,

i dont think i want this anymore.

so, sorry, but

goodbye. and yes, i do mean it.

i dont want to friends with someone like you.