my floral leggings.

yes its highly edited i know, but without the editing 

there was a heap of noise and weird colours. they

look better in real life. i promise :)

fall with me

fall with me a while, wont you??

join me in the endless wind pushing past my face.

join me as the streak across the bland sky.

join me in my fall, would you??

you got it wrong

dont you just love it when people misinterpret you?

when they get the completely wrong end of the stick,

or sometimes dont even get the stick at all?

or when they ever so innocently question your remark,

your simple remark, and change it the wrong way?

i think people do it on purpose, or subconsciously to hurt.

because people only ever hear what they want to.

stupid bastards.

unconcious

drifting in and out of consiousness.

everything is hazy greys.

im not happy. im not sad.

i am oblivious to all things in surround.

memories cloud my head.

and feelins overwhelm.

kill me. kill me please, kill me now.

take away my pain.

it is never better.

it is always worse next time.

your words always cut that little bit more.

i feel like a suppressing hand is 

holding me down. i cannot move.

i will not breathe.

i wish to die, to end this for good. 

tick tock.

time goes slowly.

too slowly.

minutes ticking by

like hours multiplied

by ten thousand.

breathing seems 

pointless and talking

gets you no where.

time is going far

too slow to 

concentrate.

time goes slowly,

too slowly,

i wish it would 

just stop.

mascara runs again

tears stream everlasting down my cheeks.

voice shaking and uncontrollably yelling.

im boiling with anger then freezing with fear.

does anyone hear me? does anyone want to?

you ruined my day.

you wrecked my life.

there are no words 

to describe how evil

you are and how 

much i wish you were

dead. you are just

despicable. you wont

even take it back

or say it was harsh.

it was way out of line.

you are the final

thing i needed to 

destroy my world of

havoc. i hate you, its

that simple and its forever.

then he said...

"you were so beautiful.
 you used to be smart.
 you had morals and a future.
 you were loved.
 you used to be wanted.
 you had friends and a future.


 what happened?
 you fucked up your life.
 a while ago i admired you.
 now im shamed to know you.
 do you do it to be cool?
 to look hardcore?
 to attract guys?
 you wont attract them now,
 youre ugly. very ugly.
 as a person and a spirit."


that hurt me. i started crying. you dont even care.
think about what you say before it leaves your mouth, 
if you think its going to be abusive in the least of ways,
dont say it. because it really cuts. especially telling me 
that theres no turning back, and that im stupid and 
tryhard and ugly. ugly. the way you said it made it 
sound like a crime. so what if i am ugly? your not even
in my life anymore, so i shouldnt care. but i do. 
and you really really hurt me. why did you do it?

i wish i was beautiful like her...

red.

did i mention i love red hair??

merry go round

does it sometimes all feel like a merry go round??

i think it does. same faces, same feelings, same situations. 

its getting boring. theres no surprise. i just keep on spinning.

waiting for it all to stop. but the world is a blur to me and even

my voice is a similar hum to the carnival music. we've come 

full circle. and now were repeating everything and im making 

the same mistakes and feeling blinded to where im going. 

most are now getting sick of me and my accidents. 

falling down, standing up. crashing in cries and smiling the

 next morning. its all the same. its never different. although it

feels like its getting worse. those who were my friends have

 turned against me. i must find more friends. more lies to give. 

more fun to spend. more weary walks.

here we go again.

evil

see no evil;

hear no evil;

speak no evil.

illusions

i look around me in the blackness.
movements of the lights.
across the floor and faces things are forming.
they melt and disappear.
it is hot, boiling. i am spinning.
it is dizzying and nauseating.
people appear next to me and take my hand.
then they cry in pain and drop me.
i am alone again. then eyes flicker in the dark.
giddying movements surround me.
i cannot see but neither am i blinded.
then she came and pulled me away.


it is still dark. but now its cold.
there is confusion. 
smells of animals once alive pollute the air.
my head spins with new found knowledge.
why would they do that?
she hits me. once. twice. three times.
she runs into the alley way.
my head is heavy and my eyes burn.
sudden spot light shine.
my skin stings and is prickly with fear.
i follow the thud of the music.
my ears ring in the noise.
my hands are out in front of me.
im trying to find my way.


im back inside the heated room.
no ones else is there.
but a creak of a door.
a gasp and scream.
an evil laugh and knife to the gut.
shes found me again.
she stabs me. one. twice. three times.
will i ever learn?
then it is crowded once more.
i am safe in the movement.
coloured lights flash.
i hear her leave.
i exhale a simple short relief.
and the room falls down around me.
it is gone.
it was all an illusion.

surrender to the queen

you are the queen of hearts and i surrender to your rule.

you may control me, love me, hate me, understand me.

you will never hurt me, that i know. you are my queen.

i may be stupid sometimes i know, and i may make 

mistakes but you now own my heart and i trust you with it.

i cannot wait

We will dance around the campfire singing songs of The Jezabels and roasting marshmallows and burning pictures of those who are lost to us. We will smoke cigarettes and drink vodka and smile with laughter like never before. We will engrave names of those who truly love us in the dirt and stay up to the early hours of the morning to watch the sun rise in our honour. We will leap and jump, and believe in fairies. We will trace the clouds across the black sky and form memories to keep. We will never forget and will never forgive and we will respect only those with our same life. We will joke about you and your kind and we will sit with each other for hours on end reciting days of easier breathing. We will think back to the days before you existed in our lives and we will smile ever so innocently. We will hold hands and light leaves on fire and know in our hearts that we will survive. We will sit together on a golden seat as one with joy that we are, and will forever be, so much better than you.

do not.

do not try to tell me what to do. do not try to rule my life. do not contribute to my problems. do not love me if you'll leave me. do not smile when i smile. do not stay with me for a short time. do not lie to me when you can speak truth. do not sing to me when its not your song to sing. do not stare at me when you can look at the floor. do not tell me what i am or what im not. do not think before you act, do not forget without forgiveness, do not make your voice loud when your heart is screaming. and do not ever go near me again.

tired furious baffled

im so tired i cant sleep.

im so furious i cant cry.

im so baffled i cant think.

im not hurt though. 

i dont like you that much.

im not even annoyed.

i pity you. i dont understand.

but im not hurt at all.

it was all false. 

you were never real.

you were fake. you were evil.

you were selfish and needy.

you never cared.

and so neither did i.

im not hurt at all.

im waiting to be angry.

im waiting to get my revenge.

im not one to get sentimental but...

im only ever really happy when im with you.

im only ever truly smiling when im thinking of you.

im only ever honestly laughing when im talking to you.

im only ever going to be ecstatic with joy when im sitting

next to you. bursting into smiles. shaking with laughter.

running with love. jumping with you. you are my world.

thankyou so much, if i hadnt met you i fear i still may 

be fighting my demons and sinking into the sand of 

sadness. i cannot wait to see you, ill give you the biggest

hug that will lift you off your feet and leave you breathless.

until then,

   xx cara.isabella.

have you ever?

have you ever fallen in love with someone because they're so nice, but only nice?
have you ever been so confused as to why selfish people live to bring pain?
have you ever tried to hate someone, tried so hard, but only end up liking them more?


i have. ive done it all. stupid me. now im stuck in love, a false love on false hope.

story

...The group spent their fifteenth summer in teenage nirvana. Duke; the oldest of the group by 2 months, would bring endless bottles of red and white that cast the sepia tones of the Indian summer in heavy buzzes of haze. The fresh acres of lush meadow land lay overgrown surrounding the Mckenzie plot provided elven pillows, where 7 drunken heads would rest and bellow tobacco clouds into an otherwise clear twilight sky. Lay out, lay out, achieving sweet nothing until the early hours of the morning. Conversation drifted and dragged, hands touched, lips touched, kisses passed around like cherry drops. From boy to boy, from girl to girl, lip to lip, to ear to body, to lips. It was a certain flame of lust that ran it’s course through them, like gypsy medicine, a summer built in 60’s chic. Before the 4am light woke song inside a chorus of morning bird, the group would lock themselves in Grace’s summerhouse. Red brick, hot brick, firm brick foundations and a glass window wall that collected a frosted mist of breath and body heat. Moving on a little smoke, the group danced naked floating 7 drags from the ceiling. Drifting in a tide of sex that crept from the satires in the stereo, each to their own moved and kissed and touched as they willed. The heated summer orgies, this tangled weave of sweat cast sighs against the windows that couldn’t express themselves above the loudness of the music. A bass you could feel in your chest...

such a pity for those who waited for my fall.

"fourteen? im surprised you made it so far!"

quite frankly im not surprised you doubted me.

still though, i am upset that you already lost hope in me. fourteen. its hardly anything. fourteen years young. still so far to go. all the same, its still something to be marked as an achievement. i have lived to witness fourteen summers and fourteen winters. endless seasons and endless change. honest truths and evil lies. consuming fear and trustful hope. hurtful wars and serene peace. adoring love and violent hate. 

over fourteen long years i have seen it all. i was born of beauty and raised in rage. i have committed crimes and have suffered them three times over. i have protected those i love, and stood by to see them burn. i have done so much and done so little. i have written as many words of admiration, as those of pain. i have breathed through cold harsh rains. i have basked in the heat of the golden sun. i have won. and more so, i have lost. 

there has been life and there has been death. i have missed and i have gained. i have lost and i have found. and through the end of fourteen years, i have been consumed by both anger and adoration. 

still my heart keeps beating. still i continue to inhale and exhale. and through the horrors of my life, light has been shed on the darkness. silhouettes of people long loved. holding hands amongst the blackness. opening eyes and stabbing blindness. i know they are there for me. whether you doubted me or not.

xx cara.isabella

'to meet thyself'

...how strange it be to meet thyself. you in walking talking flesh. a thinking being capable of emotion. how weird it must feel to shake thyselfs hand, to laughed when called for, to look in thee eye. indeed it be peculiar to watch thyself upon the mirror, to be mimicking thyself. to meet thyself is an experience, that shall rather never be forgot...

and so today i did. and so today was different. to have someone know me better than i. and today i ripped out my heart and bared it once more to another soul, expectant for rejection, only to have acceptance. how different it is to be wanted. yes, she related. yes, she understood. no, she didnt drop me like others have. and ofcourse yes, she knows it all. it frightens me, but settles me. to think i am no longer standing alone. to think she has felt every inch of my isolation. to think she is the only one with such a vast supply of knowledge about me. she understood. how rare a thing it is, to have met someone twice briefly, and by the third time they have your life story. and you trust them. i think i should be scared. what happens if she felt the need to share me as a daily topic of gossip to everyone? but i think i am pleased with the outcome. she nodded when needed, gasped at horror, smiled with similarity and listened ever so patiently. she has been through such a similar story. she knows. she helped me by such a little way. i am bewildered, yet i am found. so yes, today God answered my prayers while also crushing some of my heaven, but for some reason, i dont think i would have it any other way. i trust her.                        xx

dear eda

dear eda,

i never get to see you anymore. i do not know what happened. was i really that much of a puzzle? you were the only one who tried to understand me, who tried to fix me, who tried to be my friend. you sometimes snapped me out of my airy dreams, and grounded me down to reality. other times youd bring common sense to the unexplainable or show me how to think right. all the time you listened. you were professional, yes. but a constant helping hand. you were warm, natural and smiley. you tried to solve everything, no matter how hard the puzzle. you looked into my deepest thoughts and translated them into english. i never felt so open before, so wise. i walked away with a knowledge and outtake on life that even surprised you. would you believe what happened to it? i threw it away. thats right, no accident. it didnt drop, it never fell. it was not  caught on the breeze and carried away. it was thrown. i started living in the moment. i started breathing recklessly. i started losing morals, losing friends, losing sense. i started losing myself. now i am unrepairable. too many marks of madness glisten my skin. too much pain drowns my mind. i am not even trying to stop it all. i am standing in a house, watching  the paint peel away, the plaster fall off and all the foundations collapse. my world is crashing around me. i am falling, yet standing with pride at what once was. i have lost faith. what was once a strong belief in God, is now a disintegrated hope. if there is a God out there, He is cruel and brings hurt to myself and those i love. when was i last truly happy? i do not know. no one cares. i just want to talk to you one last time, eda. i miss the reliance i had upon you. the dependence in your truth. would you still like me now? if i told you all my sins? what i have done to myself? and more importantly, what i have done to others? would you still shelter me from rain and tears? would you still prepare me for best and worst? would you still help me fight off my fears? and last but never least, would you still listen? take in what i say? try to help me? would you get bored of my petty mental battles? would you walk away and turn your back on me, like so many others before you? would you disown me? would you shake off my helpless crying? would you, too, realise that no matter how hard i try to convince myself to breathe, i do not want to be saved? would you? i must have something inside of me, hidden somewhere, that somehow wants truth and love. otherwise i would not be writing this, like so many years ago you advised to do so, in times of darkness. i am so lost. i cannot see. maybe i do need help. could someone read this please? could someone be bothered? could someone listen? its harder than it sounds to just listen. and to listen, to love. could someone just please hear my cries and listen?

xx cara.isabella

dont touch me.

dont even try.

you can only break a heart 

a small amount of times

before it shatters. 

raining.

i dont care if it rains.

its raining inside anyway.

love is strange. love is lies.

and it turns out i was never really loved at all.

wheres the happy ending in that?

so what, its solved. for now. and people think

it will be okay. but no one stopped to

think about me. running around and picking

up the pieces of everyone and putting 

them back together. convincing people 

of what is right and what is love. i did

it for love. i did it because i love you all.

but it turned out none of you ever loved me.

and then it was okay

...and in the fog and mist of doubt. and the oceans and rivers of sadness. and the storms and lightning of rage. and in the cloudy and murky water of fear. there was hope. for in the eyes of those who loved, was a butterfly. not any butterfly, but one born of love and truth. a butterfly of pure white hope...

 so yes, i will hold her hand, and yes, i will lead her away, and yes, i will hug her with assurance that will even surprise you. because as unsure and scared as i am, i am strong enough to love once more. i am strong enough to bleed for her. i am strong enough to take it all. i will fight for her like no friend has ever fought before. i will fight to keep her alive. to hear her breath rustle her lips. i will fight to make it all better. i will fight you, so that there is no longer pain in her eyes. i will do this, to make it all better again. this is love, and you are frightened because you cannot act upon it. you have no love left.

could everyone please just pretend to play nice for once?

youre all breaking my heart. i cant stand it any longer.

ironic

is it just me, or does everyone find it ironically funny that 
this twenty year old rusty stanley knife's model name is...
"cutter"

one hundredth post

one hundredth post. i made it. xx

i could spend forever and a day waiting for you...