im afraid that if you even led me to the light
i wouldnt be able to see anymore.


im afraid, just so afraid...

i dont need your control

i wish i had those blades.
but never mind
clearly no one
not NO ONE
trusts me anymore.

just because i want help
doesnt mean i want your fucking control.

i want my blades back, i want my stanley knives back.
i want them back right now.

if need be ill get some others
you know that was never an issue
im just so pissed again again and again
that everytime i go for them
i keep on getting this block,
this ridiculous reminder that i no longer
govern even my own life.

yeah well thats changing.

time on my own made me realise i can adapt to living without you.
it may be hard but ill live. its what ive always done,
contrary to your controlling beliefs.

i dont want to be broken anymore

i need someone to look at me

look at me for who i am

pick me up

and fix me.
for godsake, fix me.

close my eyes and dream.
just dream and dream and dream.






i wish i had the willpower i once had.
when i could stop everything for one second,
step out of my body,
and stop what i wanted to do.
i could see what was going wrong.
im so fucking stupid.
and i can tell when you think the same.
open up your fucking heart for once.
you could at least try to lie to yourself,
at least then it wouldnt be so obvious
you were pretending.

you fucking fake bitch.

you dont tell me everything?
then what have you been holding back?

but never again

yeah true. never again will i live. never again can you think without you stopping at the end of every goddamn day and asking yourself

"is this lie im living worth it? or can i wake up and pretend im me again..."

mm. have a good life. just to put it your way.

it hurts just to be alive right now.

keep holding on.

just a little longer.

we'll smoke pink cigarettes in pink houses.
we'll put flowers in our hair and vases on the tables.
we'll dance on the roof until we die.

and then once that stage of my life is lived;

ill run away. ill go on my own holiday. just me.
ill watch my final sunset. and then ill sprint
ill run so fast
youll never catch me
youll never see me
and then ill jump
ill jump so high. ill fall so hard.

but ill fall into the water. sinking, sinking sinking.

ill leap into the ocean and float someplace.
if i die, i guess i die.
and if i live, i guess i will live.

sometimes

its just too hard to jump

or i cant find my strength

or i cant make my heart beat any faster.

thatswhenifall.thatswhenyoucatchme.


DONT LET ME GO

this is fucking ridiculous. im never allowed to blog. im stuck writing in my old notebook.
yeah thats great, i dont need an audience. i know that. but...

i need to believe that somehow
someone is still
out there somewhere
believing in me.

sometimes i swear i wont wake up.

amelia, read this, please

yes mim, yes. i do still dream. i pray that you dream too.

just caught up on your blog. couldnt find it for ages, the url
was long lost to me. i read it and i cried.

not the crying you see everyday. not the crying you have
when you cry because your life is nothing, your life is
death. not the crying when your want to stop breathing,
but the air still makes its way to your lungs.

i cried so hard, i cried so quietly. i tried to keep my tears
as silent as can be. jasmine sleeps slowly beside me.
but i cried, and i felt my heart aching in my chest.
i felt my breaths shorten. and my head hurt so much.

 for so long i have stopped feeling. i just welcome the
nothing. the silence. the darkness. the numbness.

now i can feel again and i dont know if its right or
if its wrong. but i know that as i feel these emotions,
my life surely crashing. but i also know,
while it crashes we'll let it still for some time,
we'll let it pause. it will pause and ill hug you.

through that brief instant both of us shall know
eachother like never before and both of us shall
stop hurting.