samson and delilah

"your faith was strong
but you needed proof
you saw her bathing
on the roof
her beauty
in the moonlight
overthrough you.
she tied you to
a kitchen chair
she broke your throne
she cut your hair
and from your lips
she drew the
Hallelujah."

just finished watching the end Samson and Delilah (the australian movie) which i began watching last night, i am moved beyond words.

everyone needs to see it before they die. a smile plays upon my lips followed by tears which tickle my eyelashes when i think of it.

innocence

"There's a picture on my kitchen wall

Looks like Jesus and his friends involved
There's a party getting started in the yard
There's a couple getting steamy in the car
Parked in the drive
Was I too young to see this with my eyes?...

What about taking this empty cup and filling it up
With a little bit more of innocence
I haven't had enough, it's probably because when you're young
It's okay to be easily in love
I like to believe it was all about love for a child."

there is no sunshine without rain

"That nothing grows on, But time still goes on, And through each life of misery, Everybody's got a hold on hope, It's the last thing that's holding me."

“Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain.”

“Hope never abandons you; you abandon it”

"No matter how dark it may seem at times, there is always hope somewere. Sometimes we can be blinded by pain and suffering that it's so hard to see, but trust me, it is there. And even if you can't believe it, there is someone out there who cares. There is someone out there who feels your pain. There is someone who understands."

never alone

i know how you feel, you're not alone. we all have sadness within us. and i know that now its like a blanket over our bodies, slowly but surely pushing us down to sleep. push against it, with the final strength you have. im with you, standing next to you, holding your hand. cant you see? were both as unsure of ourselves as eachother. and both of us cannot see the light. but we'll walk a while, with blind faith, with honesty. our similarities recognise eachother, so dont hold back, this tunnel may be painful, black, claustrophobic. but dont let it overwhelm you. dont give in. im with you in this, so dont leave me behind. walk with me. the water moving beneath our feet. sometime, someday, i know we shall reach the light, the one which shall bravely shine through our souls. dappling our sunlight streamed hair with a rainbow of colours. it may be a far way away, but hold my hand a while longer, walk with me, and i promise with my heart, with my life, that soon we'll see the light at the end of the tunnel, even if now all is dark. have trust in me, for i have trust in you.

hands

Some people can look at hands; and tell you where you've been your whole life. a farm, an office, or taking things easy.
Others can look at palms; and tell you what is to be. children to have, career to come, and real, true love.

Trusting people hold hands, since its not only a hand your holding, but a heart.
Some grasp tightly afraid to lose the moment.
While others cling loose, swinging their arms, assured of the joy to come. some even hold hands because they love eachother and they are united by such a way.

Believing people are gifted.
Some use their hands to tell stories, by music, art or literature.
Others can construct, cook, play sports.

Some have large hands. Strong, confident, loyal.
Others have small hands. Shy, talkative, creative.
Some even have hands aged far beyond their times. Wrinkled, experienced, scared to leap.
While others have young hands. Exploring, willing, bounding through life.

My hands are hurt.
They grip, they fight.
Tensed into fists.
Unassured, not right.
Yet, theyre open too.
Hoping and willing.
Waiting... for someone
to end this killing.

sculpter

you make a mould

you take something

create your mood

and sometimes break something

you pick out a material

you choose the shape

you think; decide

then begin to make

the process is easy

movement with hands

watching quietly is

your mind, sculpting grand

soon after you have a sculpture

of what your life looks like

im looking at mine, a jumbled mess

i take my life and with one strike

it breaks

it crashes

it falls

it smashes

my art work, my life, my sculpture

i drop them on the floor

what was beautiful and twisting

is no longer; is no more.

empty

my mind is empty

drained and plain

ive thought about life

and death the same.

i do not fear dying

but of living i do

im scared and cornered

its not me, its you.

being is dead is easy

being alive is strenuous.

is that what makes

life so precious?

people are desperate

to have a chance to live

so would my death

be that chance to give

someone else

a go at life

someone with less

hurt and strife?

so many questions i ask of you, God

so many opportunies you have given me

so many others who want to live, unlike myself

please God, put me out of this empty misery.

back in the game

last night i talked to a friend. she told me about how cutting is to vent. i knew this already, but it reassured me. i saw her arms and i saw my past. i thought much about how i needed some direction in my life. somehow it brought me back to cutting. when i got home i searched the house for any last sharp objects that hadnt been taken. i found the stanley knife. and now my arms are covered, not in scars anymore, but in new red lines, criss-crossing eachother, playing games. the relief washed through me as i realised, im back. back in the game of life.

trapped

why should i obey your rules? why should i follow your way? why should i not be me?
i am sick and tired of being someone im not. im no longer the girl i used to be, im no longer innocent nor kind. i am no longer me. i thought i had changed, like everyone does, but i know i have changed wrongly. only to please them and their petty minds. i am now trapped by their expectations.
why should i fit their image? why should i change the way i was? why should i give up all of myself?

why did i become this? why didnt i follow my heart? why am i someone im not??

drowning

"...Now. We’re breathing borrowed air

on borrowed time with borrowed words

to drag us through another day.

Drowning would have been far easier than this.”

my mind is clouded with water which seeps into my lungs and deadens my breathing. time stops and listens to my silence which echoes through the water, outwards towards the vast sea of people. no one else listens; no one wants to know. the cold water numbs my limbs and my chest is heavy with sorrow. I take a breath, an intake of fatal poison. the water fills my lungs once more, and I bid you all farewell.

i guess i was wrong
i thought it could be
but youve torn out my mind
and i now i can see
you were only lying
just to feel good
you lying to me
just 'cause you could
i honestly did think
that i knew you well
and that after all these years
i would be able to tell
who truly loved me
and who truly hurt me
but i guess i was wrong
about you and me

they say everyday is a new day for those who want it to be. maybe today is my new start. i can feel the warmth of eternity shine through me, and i can feel God's touch on my brow. my mind is wondering and pondering this new feeling, this weightlessness which makes my heart flutter twice as much as the last beat. my breathing may be shallow to those who hear, but to those who truly listen, you know my breath is deeper than the ocean. today i look to the sky and i adore it. it's blue today, like any other day i know, but to me, it's blue because i wanted it to be. God's gifts have finally shown me everything that exists. and i thank Him ever so much. why didnt i see this before? this beauty may just be the beginning of my new-found life, i pray it is. for i do not want to wander back to my sadness, not once ive tasted the sweetness of life. God isnt that cruel as to take away my joy tomorrow, is He? i hope not. for today is special, even the clouds and sun say hello to me, they speak in a language i never understood before. please let my life stay this way.

please, God i beg you. xx

Sometimes i look to the sky above,

and i am overwhelmed with love...

God has given me truth and hope,

if only one day i could cope.

Now i see what God has done,

i wish i could give everyone:

those who have less hope than i,

a little of what life i have.

shes the best

when im down
or feel so bad
that even friends
make me feel sad.

i walk down the hall

or pick up the phone

comforted by the fact

ill no longer be alone.

she always listens

yet always talks

and gives advice

as we walk.

i tell her my problems

my issues in life

and she makes me feel

all out of strife.

sseven now when i am crying,

i think of all the good times.

and that your always there

to care

and share

your wisdom

thank you for being my friend <3

contemplating life

today i sat down
on the rough pebbles
that form our pond.
and i looked at the relfection
staring back at me.
i saw the birds in the sky,
and the clouds too.
and the leaves on trees,
sparkled with morning's dew.
everything seemed perfect,
or as perfect as things can get
and i contemplated my life.
have i come so far
as to let it all go?
my dog snuggled next to me
little bits of frost on his fur.
i watch the water flow outwards
in a small wave-like motion.
and i thought;
today wont be as bad as yesterday
and tomorrow will be better.

flying...

"Always shoot for the moon, even when you miss, you'll land amoung the stars"

sometimes i want to fly.
to reach the stars we see
but, stars i shall never touch.
im no angel; i am me.

at least the clouds,
come down sometime
in the pouring rain.
but i still shant ever fly.



maybe one day,
when the sun is bright,
and my heart is happy,
my soul will take flight.

where the answer lies; is in peace.

i want to close my eyes

one final time

and kiss the world goodbye

its silken lips shall touch mine tenderly

and give the only love ive ever known

i want my final peace

my final sleep

the one that i deserve

ill let the blood drip

drop by drop

and kiss this world a peaceful goodbye

let God know ive done my best

and lay my tortured body down to rest

cooking and singing

i am at home
the house is quiet
i put on the stove
and sing a riot

my feelings flow
my voice is raw
my food is warm
my heart adores

everytime i feel alone, i cook a meal
and sing to my soul whatever i feel...

the point in life

most lives have a point

its sharp

and knife-like

and wont

let you let go

my life is pointless

i hold the dagger myself

waiting... hoping

for a sign

there is no edge

to my life anymore

no blade to cut the pain

or to stab this hopeless feeling

when will my life have a point again?