late night writings

its late at night. i should be fast asleep. the rain pours on my window. i sit cross legged on my bed staring at the musky grey, clouded sky. i sip my coffee. inhale some air. i wonder what to do. at times like these in the past, i would have either phoned a friend and snuck out, had a cigg, or cut. suddenly these things seem boring. all i want is a warm hug to fall into, a cool kiss on my lips, even just a friend to talk to. i look to the mirror on my right. my cold hard reflection staring back at me. for once in a while, i dont recognise me. ive changed, yet again. bags under my small black eyes. proof of countless waking nights. i dont understand who i am anymore or why i must keep moving and adjusting. this time i feel wiser. or older. i feel boring, as i would have put it earlier this year. have i changed rightly, this time? is this me? or maybe another side of my face? can someone just please take my hand and lead my in this new way?

pain

im in so much pain. 
im so overwhelmed.
im dark and hidden.
i cant see. im blinded.
im in too much pain.
i wish it would end.
im tired of fooling people
and acting happy.
im annoyed about 
keeping my tears to 
myself. im in pain.
my heart burns.
my eyes sting.
it hurts to talk.
its hurts to breathe.
things are black and white.
things are too extreme.
im either dying 
or smiling.
i just want peace. 
i want an end to this pain.

stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid me

im stupid. just stupid.
i thought i could trust you! now your using it all against me.
i dont hate you, i dont think i can. but i definitely dont like you either.
i blame me for this all. im so stupid! why did i even tell you? youll never understand.
youll never want to know anything about me, because you dont want to care. you use it all..
you use me.
im stupid. your evil. i hate you. forever and ever.

razor blades

you never cared. you never will. you use me, abuse me, lie to me. does it amuse you? this constant teasing?

how come im always the cause to every one of your problems, and you always have the solution. your so smart. and yet your so damn stupid. you think everyone will love you no matter how much shit you put on them. you just keep on putting me through hell, and you laugh. when i was younger i was so innocent. i couldnt understand your sudden outbursts, which were followed by devotion. now i see though, i see through it all. i see through you. your shallow, but cunning. your evil. you taunt me. you love to see my pain. you dont love me at all. and its now mutual. for a while i though you might just be weird. thats the only word i could use to describe it. and now, after years of you screaming lies and manipulative crap to me, i understand. actually, no, i dont understand you, or why you do it. but i understand that fact that youll never change, and youll never feel bad or apologise. i must have the best memory. you know why? i can recount nearly everything youve called me, or said to me after all this time.

"you fucking fat bitch"
"you manipulating cow"
"you deceiving fugly fuck up"
"who would want you? your a disgrace"
"im ashamed to you call you my daughter"
"cara, im finding it terribly hard to even like you"
"i hate you. i dont know you. your dead to me. go die"
"you manipulate everyone around you! you lie and backstab!"
"how did i end up with someone so dumb? i want a refund. you slut"
"your an attention seeking, emotional black-mailing, bitchy, lying, evil girl"
"you dress like a whore. you act like a whore. i hope you get raped like a whore"
"you have anger management issues, and i want them solved. scratch that, just commit suicide"
(slaps my cut arm) "i hope it hurts! never do that again! i cant believe you would think of dying... imagine how it would distract me from my studies!!"
"cara, your not my first priority. im so sick of dropping time for you when your depressed. just go get better or commit suicide, okay? and dont do it in the house, i dont want to clean up the mess"

wow. im so much smarter than you, mum. i remember it all. and when i recited that to you to make you feel guilty, or just maybe to make you realise my hurt, you denied saying it all, or that it was out of context. then you said some fucked up come-back about your studies meaning money for me. gah im so sick of you! you lie and lie. you taunt me. i try to talk to you, like you have always said i can... but when i do you sit with a smile on your face while i cry my heart out to you. i tried telling you that it wasnt my 'friends' that did most of the damage when i was depressed, it was you and dad fighting, or things you had said to me. and im not biased. i do remember the good times we once had. but they werent technically good, you see? the sad far out-weighs the happy, and the nicer times weve had together were built on false hope and deceit. your deceit. 

your words they cut like razor blades. they cut me deep and painfully. ill never truly heal or forget it. it will always be there, my scar, the one you created. the one in which you dig more and more life out of me. your words, they cut me like razor blades. and it may as well be razors.

raining

you know what? ive decide im not going to be trapped by the rain.

im going out today to sport my new red hair.

goodbye for now.

one step at a time

everythings going to be okay.
slowly, i know.
but soon the rain and hail will cease.
and we'll all know its spring.
and ill smile. for me and for you.
trust me. it will all be alright xx

wtf. who cares about what i do in my private time.

its my business and absolutey none of yours.

so back off.

if i could tell a day in my life in pictures

hidden behind the joy

is the rain and tears

and the love for life deep inside

as it says...

and free your heart

yes.

today was great. thats all you need to know.

today an inquisitive person

glanced upon my arm

only to come across

what looks to be a million

and one pink and white scars.

their delicate fingers

ran along the textured skin

a puzzled and loving look

within their eyes. one

eyebrow raised to question

the origin of these scars.

"you cut?" she looked sad.

"not anymore"

the words slipped off my

tongue and flew through the

air like enchanted sparrows.

i was suprised. i hadnt even

intended to answer.

an innocent nod and a word

came from her in return

"good"

she held my hand and we

waited for the rain to stop.

had i meant what i had so

easily said to her??

it felt so right,

so correct to tell her this.

and the truth is, i havent

cut in a while. ive let

the scabs heal. i havent

scratched them off.

i havent rushed to have

my temporary drug-like

high from the cuts.

nor have i been so down,

so unexplainably upset

that i felt there was nothing

at all left to do.

was my seeing her today

a blessing in disguise?

us two friends, sitting

on top of the old log

thinking of good times,

happier times, sunnier times.

thinking of memories in

which the sun would blaze

our eye lids shut

and the breeze would

shift our smiles

as we lay beside the

murky creek waters

and hummed melodies

while the dragonflies landed

on our noses. so close

were these memories that

i could touch them.

just the way dreaming should be.

my hand fell to my arm.

fingers gliding against

the pebbly surface. i have stopped.

i wont again. there is too much

to like about this life to

destroy such love bestowed upon me.

and i suppose i shall continue

with smoking, drinking

and carelessly crossing roads.

because, why not? that

does not harm others

or pain them when they see

my hurt. so today has been

good. really good. a better

day in many ways than

others. and far more

meaningful. xx cara.isabella

perfection II

i can see you...

entrapment in my own prison

black and white and read all over

we wont hurt you

favourite and most beautiful photographer. enough said.

perfection

flawless

jewelled skin

english rose

tweedledum and tweedledee

forgotten fairytale

summer fading away

haunted

pure emptiness

last i heard of you

little girl lost in blue

sometimes i swear im this girl so much.

trapped forever in blue light and sadness.

surrounded by water and glass.

onlookers wondering her situation.

no one ever understands

the pain of drowning

until you either overcome it

or succumb to your grave.

weird name

and they called him tobacco jesus...
for some bizare reason.

awoken from 100 years of sleep and solitude, the angel is waiting for love, lost in magnolias and dreams

you look so pretty when you fall

sometimes it should rain leaves because the simple beauty puts a smile on my face

haunting

ghosts and memories of past days haunt me.

take me away from this fear.

let me fly away.

xx

you taste so good

havent had breakfast
feels like im starving
but i know i cant eat
maybe i can live off you
eat your heart and
drink your blood
give me sustenance
ill give you love
its an arrangement we
can make. trust me
i need you too much
to not want to choose
air above your soul.

cigarette

reeeeally want a ciggy right now. this minute. this second. gah.

dont forget to breathe

breathe breathe breathe. 

never leave this life.

not when shes sitting next to me.

my favourite guardian angel.

always love you

always there for you

always holding your hand

help me to remember to breathe xx

wow

this woman is the stylist, photographer, artist and model in all these photos. wow wow wow.