she sits and types frantically.

heart beats racing.
breathless in lungs.
constantly turning around.
have they noticed yet?
let it be, hello goodbye,
yesterday, all you need is love.
songs echoing in the speakers.
please please please...
dont noticed im not burning music.
this is the first of my blog
that i have tasted
in what seems like a lifetime.
i could be wrong.
but somehow i think,
i am back.

diary entry a while back:

Im bored. It’s boring. Life bores me. Im sitting there, next to her, a distant look in my eyes. Her own eyes dart around the room. Shes nervous, even me in my half woken state can see that. I itch my covered arms. No one else can see us. Its relieving, but dangerous. She looks to me, I look to the wall. Ignorance is now divine. She nudges me, I scratch my cheek, my eyes now focused on the ceiling above.

“Cara”

She whispers. One word. One syllable. One person. Me.

Does she actually expect me to give her a descent response?

“Psst, Cara.”

Yes, yes I heard you the first time; “Hmm?”

She picks up my right arm, disapproval haunts her pretty glowing eyes. She takes in a breath to fuel her next rant about self harmers. As she does she leans on my left arm. I exhale one sharp breath. Both her eyes look to me with one predictable outcome. She lifts my left arm and pulls down the sleeve. I do not deny. I do not flinch. I don’t make a move or even a sound. Her lower lip, she pushes out, to form a tantrum style pout. A chair scrapes across the floorboards. Someone has stood up. She does not drop my arms, but she lowers them slightly. Nervous eyes on nervous face scan the room. There is no one noticing her little disagreement with me. She puts down my arms. I prepare for the speech. I am profoundly suprised, a rarity when it comes to dealing with this one erratic child.

"Stop Hurting Yourself."

Then she stood, causing the chair to slide in an ear deafening screech. She walks, turns back, kisses me on the forehead. She lifts my right arm, takes my hand, and shakes it. As though shes wishing me luck.

Her strides seem bigger than her legs as she crosses the boards. In seconds she is out of the door. I stare at her chair. Partly in anger. Partly in annoyance. Mostly because Im wishing her back next to me. My foot continuously taps the ground in anxiousness.

Stop hurting myself...? Yeah. Because its just that easy.

 

 

Deception

so i shall continue digging this hole of self wallowing and pity. and i shall continue the lies because my made up world is far better than the truth you have, and the reality we all will one day face.

Talking With Birds

"during my conversations with birds i learnt how to dance in the trees, sing to the sky, and laugh with the daisies. all the while through my daydreaming though, i realised; i have forgotten how to fly."

ALL THINGS ARE FIXABLE

Changes

That was who i WAS

THIS is who i am.

Late Night Epiphany

i have had another late night epiphany.

while painting my nails a sheen of black, and i stopped and stared into the candles.

i have concluded:

it is not a question of

CANT

it's a question of...

...should...

i can and i will?

bah. i wish.

he is reserved

i made a reservation.

he was mine first?

please understand

ive been crazy about him

for months.

i know him better, dont i?

i guess i oughtta just let it

go

reckoning

that made me smile.

and it made me weap.

at that moment i realised:

it is all about control.

blah blah blah i cant hear you

sometimes we resort to the most immature ways of ignorance and pathetic annoyance.

the truth

and it was funny;

because just for one minute there;

just one minute of my life;

i thought you really cared.

i dont even know why i bother

why do i even read your blog anymore?

all i end up doing is crying.

you make me feel shit. i dont want to feel that way.

your so insensitive and your full of lies.

you turn eveything around that i say,

that is a joke, or even just a comment,

nothing to be thought of,

and you take it and twist it into lies.

to make you feel better? to make you feel like a victim?

to make me seem like bitch definitely.

thats it, i said i wouldnt forgive you a while ago,

and i ended up apologising for you misenterpreting my words...

this always happens.

and then you wonder why i question, why i dont trust.

well... its kind of obvious. you dont trust me.

so thats it,

if this so called best friendship of ours only ever brings me

sadness;

depression;

endless tears.

and ofcourse its always all my fault,

i dont think i want this anymore.

so, sorry, but

goodbye. and yes, i do mean it.

i dont want to friends with someone like you.

all that i never did

i knew it would all come back to me someday.

head over heels. im so predictable sometimes.

im so fucked. i dont think he'll even consider me.

i sat for hours thinking about him as usual.

wondering who else had fallen head over heels for

that same smile. those same eyes. those same freckles.

that one amazing guy. as if i didnt tell anyone else

that i liked him. although it wouldnt have helped much.

its my fault anyway. i had plenty of time...

ive known about him for months. i am so fucked.

so basically ive decided to convince him he does need

a girlfriend, and no its not me. thats right, im going to be selfless.

and yes, thats right, it fucking hurts

.

its a two way thing

trust is a bizzare thing. i trust you and you dont trust me.

i thought it was meant to be both ways... well...

your not returning it.

im so over this

FUCK MY LIFE

am i a fucking train or something??

"going off the rails" 

it came as a shock to me,

to hear this so sudden,

so unpredictable.

i thought it was incorrect.

im not going off the rails;

no matter how it may

appear to be different.

they were my thoughts.

the first time i heard it.

the second time ofcourse,

was different. it came

to me as though it was

some bizzare coincidence.

i stood out of my mind

and looked at my life.

for the passer by i may

be 'going off the rails'

or even so much as

'always on the streets'.

but surely, just surely,

those who know me

best, know that i have

some handle on my life.

and by the third time...

it seemed like some

conspiracy. or some

sick joke even.

disbelief ran abounding

through my head.

im not going off the

rails, im not going 

off the rails... im not,

im not...

i would not have it

a fact for myself.

going off the rails is

an expression for other

people, people with

real problems in their

life. not me. never me.

the fourth time, i began

to believe it myself.

to hear the same thing,

from four different people,

within the span of 24 hours,

does convince you

a little. thinking about my

life, even lamenting on it

does shed a little

light on the phrase

which is now being

applied to me.

im a tad confused.

rather philosophical,

more like. i feel like

my life has taken

quite the few

unexpected turns,

and somehow, just

somehow, now im

going off the rails.

but it cant be right...

too true,

oops

whoops, i missed two hundred posts.

but here is a belated celebration:

YAY I MADE IT TO 203 POSTS NOW! WOO!

I could not have done it without you all <3

Dont worry. I havent forgotten, I still love you.

"we are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love."

Abby Whittaker; what ever happened to you, my friend.

It seems like moments as years have passed and I have

not spoken to you nor heard from you equally in much 

time. Too much time. I need to call you, but my fear,

my irrational and paranoid fear, has paralysed me.

Talk to you another time I guess, 

cara.isabella xx

I could stare at these all day long;

...second hand smoke, the smell before rain, blood in my veins

Trusting

can i? could i?

will you? would you?

and the answer is yes.

because i trust you.

deadly, consuming, repulsive...

at first when reading this i thought:

bullshit.

but within four seconds my mind switched on

and i realised, its ever so true. cigarettes in real

life are deadly, consuming, repulsive.

not sexy, never ever sexy.

best quote ever

"to the lovers of love; and the makers of music.

to the writers of words; and the dreamers of dreams.

dont let this mad world bring you down.

love on, make on, write on, dream on."

one person could change a world

one person can change a world.

one picture can make a day.

one heart can beat a lifetime.

if one girl, with one objective,

can change one minute with

one good deed...

...then one person could change my world.

Home alone since my dads in hospital. Great.

okay so today did not go as originally planned.

infact its turned out pretty shitty. but never mind,

im currently making christmas cards for two rather

nice girls.

and because i quite frankly cannot be bothered

making a new post for this;

people cannot be reduced to numbers.

especially when you reduce them to one word:

bitch.

i know you know what im talking about. xx

Victoria Byrne

it looks like it will be a good tomorrow.

im seeing victoria, yay! i miss her, not yay.

questions

so is it sorted? is it not?

are we good? are we like this for good?

can you answer my questions?

not just the ones here, but the others.

could we be happy again?

were we happy?

are you as confused as me?

Why do i smoke again...?

No really, why? The other day i was asking her why

i gave up. I decided to start again, living recklessly,

living in the moment. Forget the future, were all fucked

anyway. But... Smoking is effecting me now. I was

running home from the tram stop, an easy run, no

really it is. Ive been able to do it before in three

minutes. Instead it took me ten. And i was puffed by

five. I was taking in short, sharp breaths and my chest

burned. I could instantly tell it was from smoking.

I started singing yesterday. I know that i cannot hit

the lower notes since i started smoking. That's ok.

That doesnt worry me, Im a soprano. But... I could

no longer sing an easy soprano part. I didnt even hit

a high F. And my range goes beyond F... I can sing C.

Its ridiculous. My throat was aching, and I couldnt

sing properly. I told myself I had a cold, that was why.

No use lying... Even when i have colds I can still

sing high, just not clearly. This is painful. Im losing

things I love to do, for my love of cigarettes. They

taste so good. I cant even remember when i would

spit out the smoke, when it seemed disgusting. I

inhale ash. Ash, and God knows what other poisons

Im taking in. What have i done to myself?

Have I really ruined my life forever, just because I felt

like living for now, regardless of the consequences??

TURN ON

YOUR

TV'S.

CALM

DOWN

AND

FORGET

TODAY.