all that i never did

i knew it would all come back to me someday.

head over heels. im so predictable sometimes.

im so fucked. i dont think he'll even consider me.

i sat for hours thinking about him as usual.

wondering who else had fallen head over heels for

that same smile. those same eyes. those same freckles.

that one amazing guy. as if i didnt tell anyone else

that i liked him. although it wouldnt have helped much.

its my fault anyway. i had plenty of time...

ive known about him for months. i am so fucked.

so basically ive decided to convince him he does need

a girlfriend, and no its not me. thats right, im going to be selfless.

and yes, thats right, it fucking hurts

.

its a two way thing

trust is a bizzare thing. i trust you and you dont trust me.

i thought it was meant to be both ways... well...

your not returning it.

im so over this

FUCK MY LIFE

am i a fucking train or something??

"going off the rails" 

it came as a shock to me,

to hear this so sudden,

so unpredictable.

i thought it was incorrect.

im not going off the rails;

no matter how it may

appear to be different.

they were my thoughts.

the first time i heard it.

the second time ofcourse,

was different. it came

to me as though it was

some bizzare coincidence.

i stood out of my mind

and looked at my life.

for the passer by i may

be 'going off the rails'

or even so much as

'always on the streets'.

but surely, just surely,

those who know me

best, know that i have

some handle on my life.

and by the third time...

it seemed like some

conspiracy. or some

sick joke even.

disbelief ran abounding

through my head.

im not going off the

rails, im not going 

off the rails... im not,

im not...

i would not have it

a fact for myself.

going off the rails is

an expression for other

people, people with

real problems in their

life. not me. never me.

the fourth time, i began

to believe it myself.

to hear the same thing,

from four different people,

within the span of 24 hours,

does convince you

a little. thinking about my

life, even lamenting on it

does shed a little

light on the phrase

which is now being

applied to me.

im a tad confused.

rather philosophical,

more like. i feel like

my life has taken

quite the few

unexpected turns,

and somehow, just

somehow, now im

going off the rails.

but it cant be right...

too true,

oops

whoops, i missed two hundred posts.

but here is a belated celebration:

YAY I MADE IT TO 203 POSTS NOW! WOO!

I could not have done it without you all <3

Dont worry. I havent forgotten, I still love you.

"we are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love."

Abby Whittaker; what ever happened to you, my friend.

It seems like moments as years have passed and I have

not spoken to you nor heard from you equally in much 

time. Too much time. I need to call you, but my fear,

my irrational and paranoid fear, has paralysed me.

Talk to you another time I guess, 

cara.isabella xx

I could stare at these all day long;

...second hand smoke, the smell before rain, blood in my veins

Trusting

can i? could i?

will you? would you?

and the answer is yes.

because i trust you.

deadly, consuming, repulsive...

at first when reading this i thought:

bullshit.

but within four seconds my mind switched on

and i realised, its ever so true. cigarettes in real

life are deadly, consuming, repulsive.

not sexy, never ever sexy.

best quote ever

"to the lovers of love; and the makers of music.

to the writers of words; and the dreamers of dreams.

dont let this mad world bring you down.

love on, make on, write on, dream on."

one person could change a world

one person can change a world.

one picture can make a day.

one heart can beat a lifetime.

if one girl, with one objective,

can change one minute with

one good deed...

...then one person could change my world.

Home alone since my dads in hospital. Great.

okay so today did not go as originally planned.

infact its turned out pretty shitty. but never mind,

im currently making christmas cards for two rather

nice girls.

and because i quite frankly cannot be bothered

making a new post for this;

people cannot be reduced to numbers.

especially when you reduce them to one word:

bitch.

i know you know what im talking about. xx

Victoria Byrne

it looks like it will be a good tomorrow.

im seeing victoria, yay! i miss her, not yay.

questions

so is it sorted? is it not?

are we good? are we like this for good?

can you answer my questions?

not just the ones here, but the others.

could we be happy again?

were we happy?

are you as confused as me?

Why do i smoke again...?

No really, why? The other day i was asking her why

i gave up. I decided to start again, living recklessly,

living in the moment. Forget the future, were all fucked

anyway. But... Smoking is effecting me now. I was

running home from the tram stop, an easy run, no

really it is. Ive been able to do it before in three

minutes. Instead it took me ten. And i was puffed by

five. I was taking in short, sharp breaths and my chest

burned. I could instantly tell it was from smoking.

I started singing yesterday. I know that i cannot hit

the lower notes since i started smoking. That's ok.

That doesnt worry me, Im a soprano. But... I could

no longer sing an easy soprano part. I didnt even hit

a high F. And my range goes beyond F... I can sing C.

Its ridiculous. My throat was aching, and I couldnt

sing properly. I told myself I had a cold, that was why.

No use lying... Even when i have colds I can still

sing high, just not clearly. This is painful. Im losing

things I love to do, for my love of cigarettes. They

taste so good. I cant even remember when i would

spit out the smoke, when it seemed disgusting. I

inhale ash. Ash, and God knows what other poisons

Im taking in. What have i done to myself?

Have I really ruined my life forever, just because I felt

like living for now, regardless of the consequences??

TURN ON

YOUR

TV'S.

CALM

DOWN

AND

FORGET

TODAY.

Oh and dont go acting as if you dont know what im talking about

ignoring the issue

lets all twiddle out thumbs and looks to the ceiling for answers.

its not like theres anything wrong in this painted picture.

Advent Countdown

Christmas, so close. I wish my family allowed me to be

more religious. Jesus was born over two thousand years

ago, 24 days from now. December is sacred to me. Advent

has begun. From my primary school's Catholic teachings,

i know this much. It disappoints me that people have

already forgotten the meaning of Christmas...

Do you like Christmas?

God, no. Oh no wait, I like the holiday i guess.

No, no. Not the holiday, the meaning of it all.

You know, Jesus being born. Hope and light to 

all. Joy spread around the community, helping

others.

What? Haha. Christmas is about presents and 

annoying family lunches. Where'd you get that

crap from?

Mm. Never mind.

The Sound of Silence

Hello, darkness, my old friend

I've come to talk with you again

Because a vision softly creeping

Left its seeds while I was sleeping

And the vision

That was planted in my brain

Still remains

Within the sound of silence

In restless dreams I walked alone

Narrow streets of cobblestone

Beneath the halo of a street lamp

I turned my collar to the cold and damp

When my eyes were stabbed

By the flash of a neon light

That split the night

And touched the sound of silence

And in the naked light I saw

Ten thousand people, maybe more

People talking without speaking

People hearing without listening

People writing songs that voices never share...

And no one dare

Disturb the sound of silence.

"Fools," said I, "you do not know

Silence like a cancer grows."

"Hear my words that I might teach you,

Take my arms that I might reach you."

But my words like silent raindrops fell,

And echoed in the wells of silence.

And the people bowed and prayed

To the neon god they made.

And the sign flashed out its warning

In the words that it was forming.

And the signs said: "The words of the prophets

Are written on the subway walls

And tenement halls,

And whisper'd in the sound of silence."

number one rule:

Now let us 
all behave like 
the civilised humans 
we'll never be.

God

do you believe in God?

hell no. its not like theres some big man in the sky making our mistakes for us.

what about you? do you believe God is out there?

God is out there, somewhere. i know he is. oh yes, hes out there. he gave

up on me a long time ago.

the last november sunday

so my night is spent lighting candles off one another, plaiting the golden strands of my hair, reading meaningful lyrics, and continuing my sixties revival. i have fallen in love with so many mainstream 60's songs, their style is an awful lot like the indie songs of now. i am learning to play them on guitar.


it is long thought by i that my greatest fear is my past. that may be true in many instances, but i have reached some answer on my journey for self enlightenment, that my greatest fear is in fact, to not belong. how bizarre. taking into consideration the fact that i fear being mainstream, it is weird thinking that i also fear being abnormal, unaverage, a freak. i guess i rather enjoy being an indie-child-of-weirdness, but only because i have friends who back me up. since we are a group of people who are different, it feels like i belong. but if i was the only on in our group to stand out, well, i would be cowering in a corner.


the other things that i pondered on during this night were plentiful and ranged from astrology to music to psychology to family history, and of course, my current identity dilemma. "we shall remain indie somehow" and it is fair enough that we should. only, i believe that i shall continue my floral obsession, only because its my style, and no matter how mainstream it may become i shall remain with some floral items, but dont you worry steph, ill be indie too, and sixties because i think i am officially in love.


the sky is very pretty tonight. it is a royal blue with speckled grey clouds and dazzling pinpricks of stars. i think i shall really aim to get some sleep tonight, fingers crossed. 


goodnight, sleep tight, stay happy. xx cara.isabella

back to winter already?

so much for summer in two days.

it feels like the middle of july.

and i think im sick. i feel giddy.

a little car sick, even though 

im sitting on chair in the kitchen.

my head feels like a lead balloon.

and my eyelids are equally heavy.

my throat, which is currently

burning, feels thick and... well...

throaty. ugh i do not like the rain

when i am sick and stuck inside.

i hope you know who this is about.

she

loves

her.

whynoteverme?!

your a little obssessed darling,

youve stopped talking to me.

you dont mean to, its just that

you cant see if she does anything

wrong. to you, shes so perfect.

great, no really it is. im glad you

get on. but for once in my life,

could you look to me and see

me as the girl whos always 

waiting by the phone for you

to call, waiting behind you, ready

to catch you if you fall. and always

listening to you go on and on about

your problems even though i

know im never your first choice.

just notice me, will you?!

confusion.

*anger* *hatred* *sorrow*


so what the fuck am i meant to do this time...?

anxiety

honey your not the only one. ive had an
anxiety disorder since i was nine, and before
that i had sporadic anxiety atacks. so many 
other people have it to. did you know
each angst has a trigger? mine is related
to anything i associate with sexual assault, 
infact as im typing this my fingers are beginning
to shake, im making alot of mistakes typing,
i feel hot and my head is heavy, and im sweating.
i feel frightened. you are not alone baby.
i wonder what your trigger is...

not about you

Good Morning Starshine


depression has been around a while sweetie...